Got a long list of ex lovers... Not really. I may have been single the past year & a half, but that doesn't mean I didn't go on dates every now and again. My friends seem to find my dating horror stories amusing, so I thought, why not share them with the world? On more than one occasion I've been told I could write a book about all the awful dates I've been on. While I don't think I have enough material for a book (yet?), I probably have enough for a blog post. Full disclosure: some of these guys were from the end of 2015, and most of them only lasted one or two dates, three at the most. I think there were only four guys total that made it past three dates because I'm so picky. Exactly half of this list I met from an app, and the other half I somehow met in person. If you're single or have ever done the dating app thing, you may relate to some of these. So here they are: the good, the bad, and the even worse.
In no particular order...
- On our first date you said you hated the food in Austin. That's when I knew there would be no second date.
- You were the one who never had time to text me back but always had time to look at my Snapchat story. I think it's weird that you don't wear underwear because I know there's no way you wash your pants everyday, so... yeah. Also, why did you make the effort to come to my family Easter party when you claimed from the start, "I'm not looking for anything serious"? You didn't want to date me, but you were willing to meet my family? WHAT? Man, you are an enigma. When I think about you, I laugh at how weird our entire time together was.
- It's weird how you can dish it but you can't take it. Learn to take a joke and stop being so sensitive.
- I asked if you were a feminist to which you said, "No, I'm an equalist." What.
- I have never met anyone with less depth. All you did was go to work and go to the gym. You had no hobbies, you didn't like to go out, you didn't even watch TV. When I asked what other things you enjoyed, you said, "whiskey and cigars." Cool. And FYI: being a feminist does not mean I hate men.
- We went on one boring date and then the next morning you texted me saying you were getting back with your ex. Lol.
- Whyyyy did you take me to one of the most expensive places to eat in Austin for a first date? That only made me feel worse when I realized there was no chemistry between us, so there would be no more dates. You also lied about where you were from and the fact that you didn't really own a a dog. Who does that?
- You were very kind to me and shared my affinity for classic Nickelodeon cartoons, plus you thought I was super cool for being on Slime Time Live when I was a kid. We probably would have been good friends if we had met in college; I just didn't feel a connection. I think you let me win at darts.
- I'm a chicken when it comes to asking someone out, but with you, I just went for it because you were funny and you laughed at my lame jokes. We went on a date and you talked about how your ex-fiancee broke your heart; then you claimed you were "an insecure person" which is a shame because I thought you were cool. I hope you've found your confidence since then.
- I actually like you. You were the only guy I wanted to keep around as a friend even if things didn't work out, but then I think you got sick of me at some point. You treated your other friends with such adoration, and I didn't get that same vibe from you like I used to before I went to Europe. I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt my feelings when you suddenly stopped talking to me for a couple months, but you apologized and I appreciate that. We coo'.
- You asked me out in a book store which blew my mind because I thought something like that only happened in the movies. You weren't even my type, but I gave you a shot just for having the guts to do that. I later found out your profession was doing marketing for Cheech & Chong's marijuana brands which is still the most unique job I've ever heard from a dude.
- I met you at SXSW, and you let me stand on your ladder to get a better view of Chvrches & Miguel performing at The Spotify House. It's very rare that I meet someone I click with in person rather than a dating app, so I was instantly excited about you. When I found out you actually lived in New York, I was so bummed, but I still had fun getting to know you. Sorry for not recognizing you that one time you called out to me on 6th street, haha.
- Thank you for showing me such a fun time in Greece. You are one of my fondest memories from Europe.
- Man, you were so into me from the start. Like, SUPER into me. You were also the longest first date I've ever been on; I think it was, like, 6 hours? What did we even talk about? After our second date you invited me to fly to Dubai with you and even started planning a skiing trip for us in Utah. We had never even kissed, so that's when I knew I had to cut it off. I still miss your corgi though.
- Who knew Italian guys could be such jerks? A warning label should come attached to you.
- I have nothing bad to say about you; I think we both just weren't feelin' it, and that's okay. You're cool. We both claimed to be funny on Snapchat, so that must be why we still follow each other, haha. You were my last date before I decided to delete the dating apps from my phone (irrelevant to you, just thought it was interesting).
- You are by far the most cocky guy I've ever gone on a date with. You loved talking about yourself and never asked about me. You joked about your past bad dates and then got jealous when I did the same. I stuck around for another date because I found your mugshot online and wanted to hear the story. (Turns out he had just gotten into a drunken fight in college. Classy.) You talked about it with acceptance and regret, but then you said you didn't believe anyone could be successful in life unless they've hit rock bottom like you did. I strongly disagree.
- You spent our entire date talking about Burning Man. That is all.
- You kept calling me pet names like "sugar" and "cutie pie" and when I tried to tell you I don't like it, you said, "That's just who I am." No, it's not.
- I almost didn't include you in this list since I don't even know what we talked about. I think we both loved The Office, and that was where our similarities ended.
- You are a master of deceit, and you played the nice guy act so well. You made me think you genuinely liked me when really you were playing me the entire time. When I found out, I cut things off yet still kept coming around for reasons I will never understand. It's not like you were anything special. You lied to me, mansplained me constantly, purposely ignored/avoided me in public, and made me feel disposable. My friends and I all refer to you as Voldemort. Even after every time I tried to forget about you, you'd still pop up in my texts at 2am or approach me when you saw me around Austin. Out of all the jerks I've encountered the past year, you are by far the absolute worst.
- Berlin was one of my favorite stops in Europe because of you. I never thought Berlin was much of a fun city until you showed me otherwise. I guess we didn't technically go on a date, but I enjoyed hanging out with you and drinking "river beers" with you at 3am. Also, your extensive vocabulary is very attractive, but I think you know that.
- You are internet famous for being hilarious and creative, but in real life you were kind of dull. I remember saying something funny, and you wrote it down saying you would turn it into a skit for your fans. I asked if you would give me credit, and you just laughed.
- You'll argue that we never went on a date, and that's true. But we clicked right away, we talked for weeks, and I was really into you. Then you changed your mind. You knew I was hesitant from past bad experiences but claimed you were different and that "guys from these apps get a bad rap." Now you're just another bad experience like the rest of them. I don't blame you for what happened, but you are definitely a lesson learned.
- We click on so many levels that I had to keep you as my friend. It's better this way.
- I think it's cute that we met because I told you to try the ice cream at Irene's as you were leaving, and then you came back just to talk to me. On our first and only date you said you didn't vote in this past election. *screams internally* Boy, bye.
Oof, what a year. I'll admit dating is fun, but it can be exhausting and frustrating as well. I can't believe how many of these dudes I had to teach the true meaning of the word "feminist." Still, I genuinely do enjoy meeting new people, and I'm sure each of these guys taught me something (no matter how insignificant) I didn't know before. They have definitely helped me realize what I do and don't look for in a partner and that I should never lower my standards. I actually deleted all dating apps from my phone a few months ago; after dealing with all this, it was time for a break. This post was written all in good fun—like in a "laugh at my pain" sort of way—and hopefully you found some of these as amusing as I did. If you have any horror dating stories of your own, please share them!