Dudes and Don’ts of 2018

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Back by popular demand. You could also call this post, “Notes to Every Boy I dated in 2017 and 2018” …but it just didn’t sound as catchy, y’know?

I need to preface this post by saying all the guys on this list are split from the last two years because I haven’t dated nearly as much as I did in 2016. Back then, I was newly single and working from home every day, so I was looking for any excuse to go out and hang out with actual humans—even if that meant going on one-off dates with strangers from the internet. For the entire year of 2016 I went on 13 online dates; 2017 & 2018 combined & in this list? Only 3.

The past couple years have been way different than that first one. I became content with being single, so dating has been more rare for me… but also more fun.

So, why am I writing another post about my dating horror stories?

I knew when I first published “Notes to Every Boy I Dated in 2016” that it would get a few laughs, sure, but I never expected it to make women feel better about themselves and their situation. I received so many messages from other girls telling me that my post allowed them to push away their thoughts of, “Is it me??” and helped them realize that they aren’t alone in their dating frustrations and that these types of heartache and disappointments are more common than they think.

That’s why I’m choosing to do this again.

If I can share my stories to make someone out there feel a little less lonely in their struggle, I will gladly do so.

While I know I poke fun at the majority of the people in this list, just keep in mind this post is also for entertainment, and I don’t hold anything against ANY of these guys. Most of these dudes are simply funny stories, a few I can’t believe I ever gave the time of day, and even a couple nice ones thrown in the mix. I’ve remained friends with some of them, and even the ones who hurt me still gave me a few nice memories that I will always be grateful I got to experience. Each one served a purpose, no matter how small.

Everything written is 100% true though. 👀

Ok, I’ll stop beating around the bush & get to why you’re really here.

 

Ahem…

 

1. You’re getting the first spot because we only had one date, you’ll never read this, and I only went out with you to get my mind off one of the other dudes from this list.  You were nice, but you were also from California and said Texas doesn’t have good Mexican food… First off, how dare you? And second, you’re a white guy who said this to a Mexican girl!! Ok, dude… Also, you told me you thought Austin was “boring” which is why you traveled elsewhere every weekend… huh??? 🤦🏻‍♀️ You were my only online date of 2018 and reminded me why I got off these apps in the first place.

2. I love that we had one random encounter on Rainey Street all because your friend was trying to flirt with my friend; they did not hit it off, but we did. You were gone the next day, but we reconnected at Coachella a month later. So thanks for being my Coachella bae, I guess, haha. I only stayed to watch Eminem’s entire set because of you… it was a terrible set 🤣 !! I should have gone to go see Miguel playing at the other stage instead, but there I was, patiently waiting for Eminem to play “Lose Yourself” so we could finally leave. I blame your Australian accent for keeping me there.

3. Why do I always meet someone at a SXSW show? Literally every year, it’s weird. Anyway, all my friends know you as the “yo yo yo” guy because that’s literally how you spoke to me every time we met up or when you’d call me on the phone. You’re a basic white dude who should not be greeting people this way!! Our first date went surprisingly well up until you grabbed my ass in a CVS parking lot before I got in my car. Who says romance is dead?? After a couple more weeks (I can feel the readers’ judgement here wondering why I kept talking to you, lol), I had to end things with you that night we had just gone out to dinner and you told me to my face that you had to ditch our date night early so you could go hook up with your ex later that night. 🤣 Low key had to appreciate the blunt honesty though. I mean, that’s all we women ask for, isn’t it? You tried calling me later that same night at 2am, but I ignored it. Did your night not go as you had hoped? Pity.

4. A white guy between the height of 5’7 and 5’9 who kind of looks like if Kohls were a person? Yup, you were exactly my type. You’re a friend of a friend who still never knew we dated; I wonder if he’d be more upset at you or me if he found out? I guess it’s irrelevant at this point. After a couple months of seeing each other, you finally broke things off because you didn’t want your sister to meet me out of the irrational fear she would “look down on you” for dating someone you didn’t intend to make your wife someday. 😐 Apparently she cried when she found out you lost your virginity in high school? Oof, okay.

5. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to go on a date with  one of those guys who rev their motorcycle engines obnoxiously loud at inappropriate times in crowded areas while annoying everyone around them. Oh wait, NO I DIDN’T, but I got to experience that with you. On one of our very few dates you proclaimed that I am way out of your league and that you were trash; were you trying to warn me? You ended things after a couple weeks by unfollowing me from Instagram when you realized I wouldn’t put out for you right away. Cool, cool, cool.

6. Lawd, help me with this one. One week you were inviting me to Mexico with you and asking if you could meet my mom after barely 5 weeks of dating, and the next week you were done. You took me on the most thoughtful dates I’ve ever been on that made my friends swoon and ask, “Could this guy be your next boyfriend??” “It’s all too much,” I’d argue. “Rachel, when are you going to give the nice guys a real chance? He treats you like a queen,” they pointed out. So, I indulged. I could tell you were trying to mold me into the woman you wanted to end up with someday, and I played along for a bit because I’m open to trying new things: you took me go-kart racing, salsa dancing, and on countless rides around the city on your motorcycle. I guard my heart pretty fiercely, but with you I was beginning to peek through my wall. I literally spent every weekend with you during our time together, but it became clear that that wasn’t enough when we once sat down to dinner and the first thing you said was, “So on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like me?” Um, wut? I thought you were joking. I think that was the moment I realized we did not communicate how we felt the same way (some people call them “love languages”), and we were doomed to fail. On paper (or more like, on Bumble) you’re a nice guy who happens to do fun things, but I can tell you’re constantly looking for the next “high on life” which, sadly, includes women as well. I still laugh when I think about how after you ended things, you said (with 100% sincerity), “I hope I didn’t traumatize you from dating future men who ride a motorcycle.” 😂

7. You look exactly like my ex, and once I realized that after our second date, I just couldn’t do it anymore… I let you down politely, citing how I just didn’t feel a connection (which was true), but you didn’t take it well. A week later you saw me out & about with one of my guy friends and sent me a text asking if he was my boyfriend. That was creepy. I replied that he was just my friend, and you said, “Yeah, right.”

8. I met you at an Australian SXSW event on Rainey, and you were the most good-looking person in the room. Plus, like most girls, I am a sucker for an Australian accent (see #2 above). My fool-proof plan of walking by you slowly worked like a charm (yes, readers, I too am rolling my eyes here at myself), and we struck up a conversation about who knows what (kangaroos, maybe??) then went on a date the next day. You ever get to know someone better & realize they’re not as attractive as you thought they were? Heh. Welp.

9. We met at a show you were performing at while I was in Banff for the week. I’ve never gone out with a Canadian before, so that was new. 🇨🇦 I liked when you would pronounce the word “about” like a-boat. I think your singing voice is the main reason I  was attracted to you, but I’m sure you’re used to that. I had a nice time hanging out with you, but after you unloaded your baggage on me I could tell you were desperate to fall in love right away, and I couldn’t help you there. You tried to stay in touch, but I knew it was temporary. On a serious note, you have legit talent, and I hope it takes you far. My parents still listen to the album they bought from you, haha. I noticed you recently unfollowed me from the gram which is odd from someone who was eagerly trying to plan a visit to come see me in the spring. 🤔

10. I knew I would like you before I even met you. Our mutual friends told me we’d hit it off because we are both easygoing, funny people who don’t care about being goofy in public; you also love to dance and rage at festivals just as much as I do, so when we finally did meet in person, we just clicked. A guy who can actually keep up with me? I had to see it to believe it. 😏 I think that weekend we spent together was the most fun I’ve had the entire year. What a shame you live across the country from me, huh? Well, for now.

11. You were the first time I ever “slid into a guy’s DMs” on Instagram with the clear intention of going on a date. “Have we met before? You look so familiar!” Bruh, I knew I had never seen you in my life. 😂 In my defense, you followed me on Instagram first, so I wasn’t being too much of a creeper… right? Whatever. I asked you to hang out, and I don’t think you considered me actually being interested in you. I somehow ended up paying for both of us at brunch?? That was awkward. You were very nice, but I knew we were in two completely different stages of life, so we never spoke again.

12. You look like Captain America, pre-beard version. 🇺🇸 I can tell you’re looking for your next wife and want to find her ASAP. I know you’re a genuinely decent guy, but damn, you’ve been engaged 3 times already?? Slow down, son! You’ll find her. You were the guy who made me realize someone could sound so perfect on paper (good guy, great job, ambition, similar hobbies, a kind heart, has a DOG), but if there is no chemistry, you can’t force it—no matter how many chances you give him.

13. I liked you a lot because we have such similar personalities and vibed right away, but I knew we could never be anything because you had a girlfriend, so I kept things platonic. Then you tried to cheat on her with me, and it kind of ruined the perfect perception I had of you. You should have known I could never do that to another woman—even if she was in another state. Maybe we’re not as similar as I thought? Do you even remember that night, or will you claim the alcohol erased your memory? We never spoke of it again, so I’m just curious.

14. You’re an odd case. On the one hand, you were honest with me and let me know you were not interested in a relationship (which I respected even though it took you 3 months to tell me this), but then in our final weeks together, you lied and said that you hadn’t been with anyone else, only me—why be honest about something initially only to lie to me about it later? If you hadn’t lied, I probably wouldn’t have cut things off the way I did. I could ramble here about all your red flags, like that time you said you simply “don’t like fat people” & laughed when you didn’t even recall saying it when I called you out, how you ignored your obvious white privilege when you claimed you “don’t care about Texas politics” & didn’t want to vote even though you live here (I’m sure you’d be upset if I didn’t tell the readers that you ended up voting last minute—I still don’t know what convinced you), or how you flat out refused to get an updated STD test even though they’re not that big of a deal… but I’ll refrain from all that. 🌚 In all honesty though and despite everything I just said, I really did like you. I know your intention wasn’t to hurt me, but you did, and it sucked. I hope you treat the next girl better than what I put up with. My advice? Just be honest with your intentions up front; I promise, it’s not that scary. Also, if you get the inevitable urge to make her listen to 2 hours of you rapping on SoundCloud like you did me… maybe, don’t? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

15. The universe really wanted us to go on a date, didn’t it? We kept seeing each other at all the same shows/festivals that finally I was like, ok, why not? All our friends who knew you in college could not understand why I’d go out with you, but I can tell you’ve matured a lot since back then. You act older than I do now! And yet I’ve got almost 4 years on you… which I wish you hadn’t brought up on our first date, haha. A couple dates later and things just faded since I was traveling a lot, but I’m glad we have stayed friends.

16. The best part of dating you was all the free eggs I got from your chickens. Unfortunately that means I can now say I’ve dated a guy who raised chickens in his backyard—the ultimate Austin hipster stereotype. You warned me that you usually get bored of girls after one month, but I didn’t know you meant it so… literally. Maybe next time you shouldn’t take a girl on a road trip with you to introduce them to your family after only a week of knowing them. Maybe don’t invite that same girl to be your date for a family wedding. Maybe don’t show that girl actual texts of you gushing to your mom about how you’ve found your dream woman (i.e. me). You might get her hopes up. Just a thought.

17. We hit it off when we met, would text everyday for a couple months, and when we saw each other in person again… we suddenly did not click, lol. That was an odd feeling, but I can see it was for the best. Things worked out in the end, didn’t they? We coo’.

18. Who needs a dating app when you have Instagram? I mean, it only took us a year to finally hang out in person, but we did it! 🤪 What’s funny is that after our first date, I don’t think either of us felt a connection, and I assumed I would never see you again. Then when I did see you a few weeks later at an event, you were working, but we hit it off way more than that first time. I like how you can deal with my sass and not get offended when I tease you which I’ve come to realize is a requirement for dating me, haha. You are my friends’ favorite from this entire list, and that’s saying something because they don’t like any of the guys I date. 😅 After reading through this list, can you blame them?

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There you have it! I hope y’all enjoyed this funny, weird, embarrassing (even on my part a few times) trip down memory lane with me. Who knows what the next couple of years will bring? I’m excited to find out.

To the few guys on this list who I know are reading right now: don’t take this too seriously. It was written for fun, it ain’t that deep, and you live and learn.

I know I have. 💅🏼

 

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